I miss the old me.......The memories.........they cut like a knife. Looking back at the pictures from the time since Caleb diagnosis is overwhelming to me at times. So many emotions, some happy and proud, but mostly sad. Facebook is THE worst because I’m never really prepared for it. Some days I think maybe I should just skip social media altogether. But it that just avoiding feeling all the emotions I still have bottled up inside? I already avoid going out in public as much as possible on most days. I quit going to church. At first it was for safety reasons and still is sometimes, but if I am being honest I have extreme anxiety going out anywhere there will be people that I know. The last time I was somewhere where there were several people I knew, I left in tears from feeling overwhelmed and anxious by all the questions, looks, etc. I even saw a friend from high school in the hospital cafeteria recently. My initial thought was to run up hug him and say hello, but then I caught myself........I hadn’t seen him in a long time. I wasn’t sure if he knew about Caleb and I didn’t feel like talking about it or getting all emotional in the cafeteria. So, I stayed in my seat and said nothing which is SO not me. At least the me before cancer came into my life.
Caleb is doing so well and we have come so far. It is SO amazing and I am so thankful. Still though, it truly breaks my heart though to see the pictures of him so happy and carefree before chemo and counts rocked our world. It makes me sad to know we will never be that carefree again. Kids are resilant. I am sure Caleb will be But for myself.......I used to be so laid back, but his diagnosis has me in a constant state of underlying uneasiness, anxiety, feeling terribly guilty feel because I feel like I should be handling this better, the emotions that just some days take over without warning, the sadness that a huge piece of my Caleb’s childhood has been stolen and is now full of medicines, port accesses, appointments, trips to Memphis. Most decisions are made through my new cancer tinted glasses.......things factor in like........ how many people will be there, what are his counts this week etc, how he is feeling, is there something he can eat safely etc. Cancer has totally retrained my brain and I don’t like it!
I’m just having a moment...........I miss the old me. She visits, but she can’t ever seem to stay as long as I wish.