The James Gang
Wednesday
About Me
Sunday
The James Gang goes to St Jude
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”
Philippians 4:6 NLT
Wednesday
LHS class of 1993 20 Year Class Reunion
Saturday
Open Letter to my Work Family
Heading in to work on this cold dreary day, I am struggling and feel terrible. I grab my care package of cough drops, Kleenex, cold medicine, and possibly a little chocolate, swing by McDonald's for some oatmeal, and then on towards the medical district. I pull in the parking lot, wishing I was home in my pj’s, but something happened as soon as my badge hit that time clock. My burden felt a little bit lighter. I had a sense of relief, comfort, and security. You see on days like today, I KNOW THAT I KNOW I can count on you all to help me get through the day. The feeling of knowing I am surrounded by people who genuinely care means SO much to me. You guys show me love, acceptance, and respect. That means so much more to me than you can EVER truly know.
You were also there when I got the call from Make A Wish letting me new know Caleb’s wish to meet Mike Trout was going to be granted. I was overcome with emotion, and you all had no idea if I was happy or sad. You were SO excited for Caleb to celebrate the NO MO CHEMO and the adventures that await him now that treatment is completed.
What a HUGE blessing you all are to to me. Thank you for all you do. No matter if it is listening to me vent, playing with my hair, not asking what is wrong as I try to hold the tears back, grabbing me lunch as you get yours, or paging on the overhead speaker because I have no voice. For all the little things you do that make my life a little easier on days like today...... I just wanted to say thanks. I love and appreciate you guys so VERY VERY much!
Love
Alicia your sickly struggling sister
Friday
Mondays and Memphis.....a look back
Caleb got a good report today. Labs were GREAT!!! ππΌππΌππΌππΌ I wasn’t concerned, but it’s always a huge relief to “see the numbers”. The day was full of appointments including testing for research to study the long term effects of chemotherapy.
Especially for a kid his age (I think at least so). He was a month shy of his 5th birthday when he was diagnosed. A Friday afternoon at the pediatrician he with knee pain and fever turned into a parent's nightmare. Monday he was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Luekemia. Tuesday morning at the crack of dawn we left home and headed West for St. Jude in Memphis leaving our other son behind with my mom having no clue what lied ahead. It all happened so quickly and was extremely hard to process. You just press on.....to the that next appointment
Saturday
π«π Friendship and Loss π¬π«
This is the kind of week it’s been...... Leaving home when a funeral procession passes before I can turn out of the subdivision. After they pass, I turn and seeing several police cars on Bob Wade. At first glance, I think they are from the procession, which is not the case. The police are there to tend to yet another terrible car accident on a rainy day on this dangerous road. I have driven past similar scenes on this road WAY too many times lately. I pray it wasn’t another fatality and that everyone involved is ok. I continued on down the street on my way to the funeral of a dear childhood friend’s sister, Christa, is being held on this drizzly rainy Saturday.
I digress. Christa’s service was very touching. She impacted SO many lives in many ways. A mother to two beautiful girls, a daughter to John and Debbie, a big sister to Nikki, a teacher to many young hearts and minds, and a friend to many. During the service, letters were read that her closest childhood friends had written. Letters full of memories of childhood and friendship. The kind of friendships where friends become family........ kind of friendships.
The letters reminded me of the friendships I had growing up. Nikki, Christa’s younger sister, was part of that group of friends. The preteens girl group that rotated houses for slumber parties. Parties that were full of late night giggles, pizza, and prank calls. The letters also said how they wished they had not left life get in the way. Christa’s friends expressed regret for not staying closer and making more time for one another over the years.
At this moment, I am sitting here thinking about how hard it was for them to write those letters............ What would I say about my friends if I was asked to write a letter for their funeral? What would my friends say about me if they wrote a letter for my funeral? Do my friends all know how much they mean to me and know they are loved?! ♥️ I try to make sure and tell them. But do they really know though? Do they know I am sincere when I say "I love you?".......... This week has totally wrecked my heart! Praying for the many families that have lost loved ones this week. My heart can’t seem make sense of any of it. The lesson I keep hearing through it all .........(that I must still need to learn) is.......HOW SHORT LIFE TRULY IS.
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7 NLT
A moment
I miss the old me.......The memories.........they cut like a knife. Looking back at the pictures from the time since Caleb diagnosis is overwhelming to me at times. So many emotions, some happy and proud, but mostly sad. Facebook is THE worst because I’m never really prepared for it. Some days I think maybe I should just skip social media altogether. But it that just avoiding feeling all the emotions I still have bottled up inside? I already avoid going out in public as much as possible on most days. I quit going to church. At first it was for safety reasons and still is sometimes, but if I am being honest I have extreme anxiety going out anywhere there will be people that I know. The last time I was somewhere where there were several people I knew, I left in tears from feeling overwhelmed and anxious by all the questions, looks, etc. I even saw a friend from high school in the hospital cafeteria recently. My initial thought was to run up hug him and say hello, but then I caught myself........I hadn’t seen him in a long time. I wasn’t sure if he knew about Caleb and I didn’t feel like talking about it or getting all emotional in the cafeteria. So, I stayed in my seat and said nothing which is SO not me. At least the me before cancer came into my life.
Caleb is doing so well and we have come so far. It is SO amazing and I am so thankful. Still though, it truly breaks my heart though to see the pictures of him so happy and carefree before chemo and counts rocked our world. It makes me sad to know we will never be that carefree again. Kids are resilant. I am sure Caleb will be But for myself.......I used to be so laid back, but his diagnosis has me in a constant state of underlying uneasiness, anxiety, feeling terribly guilty feel because I feel like I should be handling this better, the emotions that just some days take over without warning, the sadness that a huge piece of my Caleb’s childhood has been stolen and is now full of medicines, port accesses, appointments, trips to Memphis. Most decisions are made through my new cancer tinted glasses.......things factor in like........ how many people will be there, what are his counts this week etc, how he is feeling, is there something he can eat safely etc. Cancer has totally retrained my brain and I don’t like it!
I’m just having a moment...........I miss the old me. She visits, but she can’t ever seem to stay as long as I wish.
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