Monday, March 13, 2017

Six months in.......

Six months ago today Caleb had just been diagnosed with leukemia and we were in route to St Jude in Memphis. What a journey it has been. Six short months......yet at times it seems like a lifetime, while other times it seems like only yesterday. Six months ago our whole world changed. We have changed. Our lives went from revolving around juggling two boys and their ball schedules to........Memphis, cancer, chemo, counts, and roadmaps for treatment. There have been many lessons, blessings, heartaches, hugs, and tears too. I try hard to focus on the positive and the blessings. Some days though, my emotions get the better of me.

Our marriage is stronger. Zack and I have learned ALOT about teamwork, priorities, and celebrating each and every victory no matter how small. We have learned that life is short.......eat the cake, take the trip, buy the shoes. What are you waiting for? 
While I was the strong one while we were in Memphis, I have had a much harder time since being home and adjusting to a this "new normal". I REALLY dislike that term. There is NOTHING normal about having a child with a life threatening illness. Emotionally it is draining me trying to be cancer mom, nurse, wife, and mom to Kohen. It takes all that I have some days to make it through the day with a smile on my face and I still feel it's not good enough. Since we have been home, I have been very reclusive. This is mainly due to it being cold and flu season to protect Caleb's fragile immune system. I must be honest and admit this has changed me as well. Some days I am fine. Others days I have social anxiety, my emotions are raw and fragile, and I am easily upset. I am very social by nature and pray this gets better as time passes. So if I see you out and don't speak, it is not you, it's me. Please don't take it personal. Some days I have a really hard time being around others and talking to people. I say all that to make the point that now Zack is the strong one, and I am the one who is struggling. I have had to rely on Zack and God like never before. 
Caleb has completed reinduction one and will be heading back to Memphis next month for reinduction two. Then 108 more weeks of treatment. The journey is long and the climb steep, but I am certain the view from the top will be most precious. God prepared me well for the journey. Even in the darkest moments, He has never left me. We are SO thankful for how well Caleb is doing. I am very grateful that he has the type of cancer that he does. He has done relatively well with treatment. He has only had one fever, minimal setbacks, and tolerated chemo fairly well. We are looking forward to spring and all the warmth and beauty that comes with it. Caleb had his first ball practice last week and is SO excited about playing ball! I'm pretty excited too! 

We feel so blessed and thankful. Although this journey is very hard and painful at times we feel very loved. There are also many beautiful moments and blessing along the way! Thank you for all the love, prayers, concern, and support for our brave little leukemia warrior and the rest of our family! We appreciate you more than you will ever know. 

Love, 
Alicia 

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

Romans 8:28 NLT


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